Recognizing Control; or lack thereof

I'm keeping a blog, which proves that I love to write. What I don't love is the stress of writing a paper, because I'm a bit of a perfectionist and I get stuck three words into a sentence when I can't choose the right adjective to clarify my point. However, I think I would much rather be writing a paper right now than grinding away with mid-term studies. So, I decided to pop over to my blog.

Yes, it's midterms already. Though we have two sets, so really it's tri-terms...or something. Two tests tomorrow; I hope my brain can handle it. In the last couple weeks I solidified my support from Student Services and will be taking my tests in a proctored room so as not to be distracted by my peers who will likely finish sooner than I, AND would be a constant distraction with their pen clicks and coughs and whatever else... I'm grateful I'll have the support; though I'm just realizing, I won't be able to ask any questions of my professor during the test. Hm... I'll just see how these two go.

For my conditions class I'm creating concept maps for each condition with different colors for each one. The general concepts like diagnosis, medical management, prevalence, symptoms, all have the same place on each paper. I'm hoping this will trigger my visual memory. I tried to create a study group with the class but it didn't really go that well, the majority of the people left 20 minutes in, which was disappointing, yet the people who stayed proved to be good study buddies. I'd forgotten that what I wanted to do with the whole class was to fill in our group-accessible study guide on google docs. This way we'd all be studying the same info and could provide help to one another though the document (YAY technology.) In the end we've all just been editing it on our own...even today - day before the test. I think it's a good system.

We are all really struggling with one class where we're just bombarded with information and it's not being explained efficiently. The test we're taking Monday was designed by a different teacher from the department who is known to be really strict and severe with details, yet, our teacher hasn't been all that clear about what to focus on. Thank goodness she gave us a study guide in the end! We've all been chipping away at that as well, I really hope we're all successful. Or if we all fail, she'll recognize her responsibility as a teacher is lacking!

At the same time, in the back of all our minds we have projects to work on and then present in the coming weeks that haven't received much attention. I really am trying to be on top of these and organized about it, but it's SO much! Juggling the needs and schedules of a group (especially when two of us live more than an hour from campus) proves most difficult. Meanwhile, the work-study job I took on includes grading papers every week - it's the opposite of study-while-you-work-job. The heat has really been turned up on this semester and I'm starting to sweat. I'm still pretty focused though and doing my best to maintain balance. This weekend I've been trying a new technique to use a count-down timer as I work. It seems to be helping me stay on track and work efficiently! Yay for new techniques. I'm also aware that it all comes back to focus -- and being present.

Last night I was really unfocused, after a very busy day of taking care of someone else's kids (for the third day in a row; different story) and I couldn't circle my attention into my work. Someone recommended that I meditate and I half-jokingly griped that meditation is always the answer. I plopped down with a candle and brought my attention to my breath. On my little alter I keep a bracelet that says, "We've Got Your Back Jack," which was part of a fundraiser for my little buddy Jack who was struggling with cancer. Seeing the bracelet made me recognize the grief I was feeling, as I'd been thinking about him and his mama throughout the day (perhaps because I was playing mama to these three girls and kept threatening that I would never have kids after this experience, even though it's one of my major life goals to raise my own family - so perhaps I was feeling an emotional wave of recognition that the roles and responsibilities we take on in life can come with great turmoil as well as immense reward.) Anyway, that major tangent was all to recognize that I was distracted by something deeper and after I put my attention on that struggle, and put on the bracelet, I was able to focus. The Student Service guy had actually recommended that I wear some article of clothing (hat, scarf, bracelet) when I study and then when I take the test, to establish a physical connection with the material for easier recollection. The brain is so damn fascinating.

The other part of this story is the responsibilities I agreed to take on this weekend as part of my work-trade living situation. The family's parents went out of town Thursday morning and return this evening (so I was in charge for the last four days.) It proved to be amazingly challenging. It rubbed against my desire for deep connection and understanding with others - which is not readily attainable with teenagers, and rubbed against my issues for wanting control in having things run smoothly, and I did not transition well with some of the shifts. A very dear friend of mine helped me see that part of my desire for control was to make sure the girls' needs were met, and because I care so much. She also helped me see that the little blow-up from one of them was actually a sign of intimacy in her desire to communicate with me. She later apologized and recognized her part but it sure didn't feel good at the time, and was so distracting to my trying to do work! Basically this weekend was an intense workshop on self-care, balance, and letting go. After the first couple mishaps and some guidance from friends, I believe I came out stronger. Next time, I'll try to employ the techniques that worked out in the end, which were to give more credit and responsibility to the teens and allow natural consequences to be the main consideration. My friend pointed out I was in a kind of step-parent role without a foundation for any sort of leverage with my requests which made it really hard. All is well now and I'm actually more confident that I do have what it takes to be a good mom someday. The main thing I'm working on in terms of working with others is being able to stay light, to focus on the good, and to bring things back around to the present.

Okay... I think I need to get back to studying now. I feel better having written this out as I've wanted to write all week. Overall, school is still wonderful and I'm still thrilled to be doing what I've worked so hard to access.

ENORMOUS THANK YOU to my very dear friends who recognized my desperation when my computer failed me and pulled through to get me all set up with a new computer. I'm amazed at how incredibly valuable it is to have the tools I need in order to be successful. I could never have done this without your support. Thank you Thank you Thank you!!!

Pull Of The Tide

Next week I'll be a month into school, yet I still feel like I'm getting settled. Actually, I feel like there have been a few disruptions and set-backs that have made it difficult to actually establish a real routine. I spent much of my second and third weeks dealing with work study applications, follow-up's, and decision making. In the end I just got one job grading papers, which is less than ideal, but the income will be essential. Meanwhile, my computer crashed (and I believe I lost all my data, not to mention all my saturday in dealing with the apple store and eventually finding another place to take it- I still haven't heard back from them...) which turned out to be outrageously disrupting as I seem to have attached to it like a third arm and with it missing I became all out of sorts! I felt especially foolish in class first thing wednesday morning when I was borrowing someone else's laptop to take notes (I just cannot read my own handwriting) and I turned to get some water and tipped my (apparently open) entire two liter water bottle to the floor. Thank goodness I didn't spill it on her computer!!! But I felt like a complete moron and couldn't focus in class, nor could I come up with any reasonable answers during the entire class period about Autism (which I know SO much about!) and second guessed every answer I did think of. I was kind of a wreck. I went for a walk between classes with a friend but then got the news that my grandmother was in the hospital. Wednesday is just a day I am glad is over. (Mimi is okay!)

I guess this is just a good lesson in recognizing that even the best laid out plans get all screwed up! It was good for me to be able to recognize what was out of my control and what I could focus on to shift the way the day continued to change. Today (gosh was that just yesterday?? it's been a long couple days...) -today I did a lot of supporting and giving of myself. This is often a role I take on, I imagine many OT's can relate. I want to support others and help to make things easier, I want to help others to be successful. I found myself butting heads with my mentee as she struggled with some homework. I don't really think it was the homework itself that was frustrating, but other issues that she couldn't articulate which revealed themselves through feelings of incompetence for her. In the end we got through the homework and I was able to stay relatively calm but after talking with her mom, next time she begins to get frustrated (this is a behavioral pattern of hers) I am going to remove myself with the excuse that I need to do something and see if she can defuse herself a bit. Not sure it'll work but it seems worth a try.

Anyway, by the end of tonight I was drained and in need of much support. Unfortunately, I found it to be late and the support I desired was not available in friends so I reached out to www.7cupsoftea.com 
I don't know if I've already mentioned this website, but I find it to be incredibly helpful for just talking things out, having a safe place to recognize and acknowledge my feelings, and problem solve with a rational-thinking person (who isn't overloaded with emotion!) In the end calming music, looking at pictures of sunsets, a glass of water, and talking to a kind and gentle listener helped me feel through what I was experiencing and I came out on the other end with clarity and relief. [My Pysch-Social teacher and I agreed that it was also a good place to practice active listening (an essential skill of an OT!) if one signs up to be "a listener" on the site.]

I'm sure there is part of me that is struggling with the anticipation of what the upcoming weeks hold. I am waiting to hear back from one more work-study position (the one I really wanted was in the OT department but they alluded to the fact that they might hire outside the department, which, obviously would rule me out), I need to get the notes I lost on my computer from someone in my cohort (and pay to copy them), I need to get started on the many papers and projects that are already on the not-so-distant horizon for me, and I need to define some really solid and predictable study time (rather than just try to fit it in where it's convenient as I've done in the past.) So, yeah, there's a lot on my mind and a lot to be stressed about. I'm also waiting to hear back from the student disabilities services to see what kind of support I can get from the school for my ADD tendencies which make studying and test-taking that much harder... What I really need is a little angel on my shoulder monitoring my every step. 

After talking with my peer mentor from last year, and meeting my peer mentor for this year, I feel a little bit clearer on what to expect for the upcoming school year. While the program itself is going to be demanding, this first year is going to build me up to meet the challenges. It sounds like the classes I'm taking this semester are going to be very manageable, and the teachers encouraging and supportive. I do need to get studying on my basic anatomy though, as I missed several questions on my what-do-you-remember-from-anatomy-class quiz. Fortunately it's interesting to me so at least I can look forward to that. I think my two favorite classes this term are going to be Neurology/Physiology and Psychosocial aspects of Occupational Therapy. I feel that I'm going to be able to keep a level head, with my eye on the bigger picture this semester, rather than get locked into the (unimportant) details that hang me up. I'll say that's my intention anyway. The upcoming weekend doesn't seem promising for homework opportunities, so I think I'll make myself up a schedule now! Perhaps a blog on study tips would be useful...