I'm keeping a blog, which proves that I love to write. What I don't love is the stress of writing a paper, because I'm a bit of a perfectionist and I get stuck three words into a sentence when I can't choose the right adjective to clarify my point. However, I think I would much rather be writing a paper right now than grinding away with mid-term studies. So, I decided to pop over to my blog.
Yes, it's midterms already. Though we have two sets, so really it's tri-terms...or something. Two tests tomorrow; I hope my brain can handle it. In the last couple weeks I solidified my support from Student Services and will be taking my tests in a proctored room so as not to be distracted by my peers who will likely finish sooner than I, AND would be a constant distraction with their pen clicks and coughs and whatever else... I'm grateful I'll have the support; though I'm just realizing, I won't be able to ask any questions of my professor during the test. Hm... I'll just see how these two go.
For my conditions class I'm creating concept maps for each condition with different colors for each one. The general concepts like diagnosis, medical management, prevalence, symptoms, all have the same place on each paper. I'm hoping this will trigger my visual memory. I tried to create a study group with the class but it didn't really go that well, the majority of the people left 20 minutes in, which was disappointing, yet the people who stayed proved to be good study buddies. I'd forgotten that what I wanted to do with the whole class was to fill in our group-accessible study guide on google docs. This way we'd all be studying the same info and could provide help to one another though the document (YAY technology.) In the end we've all just been editing it on our own...even today - day before the test. I think it's a good system.
We are all really struggling with one class where we're just bombarded with information and it's not being explained efficiently. The test we're taking Monday was designed by a different teacher from the department who is known to be really strict and severe with details, yet, our teacher hasn't been all that clear about what to focus on. Thank goodness she gave us a study guide in the end! We've all been chipping away at that as well, I really hope we're all successful. Or if we all fail, she'll recognize her responsibility as a teacher is lacking!
At the same time, in the back of all our minds we have projects to work on and then present in the coming weeks that haven't received much attention. I really am trying to be on top of these and organized about it, but it's SO much! Juggling the needs and schedules of a group (especially when two of us live more than an hour from campus) proves most difficult. Meanwhile, the work-study job I took on includes grading papers every week - it's the opposite of study-while-you-work-job. The heat has really been turned up on this semester and I'm starting to sweat. I'm still pretty focused though and doing my best to maintain balance. This weekend I've been trying a new technique to use a count-down timer as I work. It seems to be helping me stay on track and work efficiently! Yay for new techniques. I'm also aware that it all comes back to focus -- and being present.
Last night I was really unfocused, after a very busy day of taking care of someone else's kids (for the third day in a row; different story) and I couldn't circle my attention into my work. Someone recommended that I meditate and I half-jokingly griped that meditation is always the answer. I plopped down with a candle and brought my attention to my breath. On my little alter I keep a bracelet that says, "We've Got Your Back Jack," which was part of a fundraiser for my little buddy Jack who was struggling with cancer. Seeing the bracelet made me recognize the grief I was feeling, as I'd been thinking about him and his mama throughout the day (perhaps because I was playing mama to these three girls and kept threatening that I would never have kids after this experience, even though it's one of my major life goals to raise my own family - so perhaps I was feeling an emotional wave of recognition that the roles and responsibilities we take on in life can come with great turmoil as well as immense reward.) Anyway, that major tangent was all to recognize that I was distracted by something deeper and after I put my attention on that struggle, and put on the bracelet, I was able to focus. The Student Service guy had actually recommended that I wear some article of clothing (hat, scarf, bracelet) when I study and then when I take the test, to establish a physical connection with the material for easier recollection. The brain is so damn fascinating.
The other part of this story is the responsibilities I agreed to take on this weekend as part of my work-trade living situation. The family's parents went out of town Thursday morning and return this evening (so I was in charge for the last four days.) It proved to be amazingly challenging. It rubbed against my desire for deep connection and understanding with others - which is not readily attainable with teenagers, and rubbed against my issues for wanting control in having things run smoothly, and I did not transition well with some of the shifts. A very dear friend of mine helped me see that part of my desire for control was to make sure the girls' needs were met, and because I care so much. She also helped me see that the little blow-up from one of them was actually a sign of intimacy in her desire to communicate with me. She later apologized and recognized her part but it sure didn't feel good at the time, and was so distracting to my trying to do work! Basically this weekend was an intense workshop on self-care, balance, and letting go. After the first couple mishaps and some guidance from friends, I believe I came out stronger. Next time, I'll try to employ the techniques that worked out in the end, which were to give more credit and responsibility to the teens and allow natural consequences to be the main consideration. My friend pointed out I was in a kind of step-parent role without a foundation for any sort of leverage with my requests which made it really hard. All is well now and I'm actually more confident that I do have what it takes to be a good mom someday. The main thing I'm working on in terms of working with others is being able to stay light, to focus on the good, and to bring things back around to the present.
Okay... I think I need to get back to studying now. I feel better having written this out as I've wanted to write all week. Overall, school is still wonderful and I'm still thrilled to be doing what I've worked so hard to access.
ENORMOUS THANK YOU to my very dear friends who recognized my desperation when my computer failed me and pulled through to get me all set up with a new computer. I'm amazed at how incredibly valuable it is to have the tools I need in order to be successful. I could never have done this without your support. Thank you Thank you Thank you!!!
:)
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