Living the OT Values

One might deduct that I must not really want to keep a blog if I don't prioritize it better. The truth is, it feels like a leisurely indulgence which seems unaffordable most days. I'm really trying to maintain more balance in my life (as an OT this will be the mantra I preach so I would really like to walk the talk now!) but life is simply just complex. [I wouldn't be able to say life is complexly simple.] Among relationships and commitments, due dates and exams, feeding myself and getting enough sleep, balance IS my daily practice. I suppose if I were to look at it from an outsider's perspective, I'm relatively good at it. If four years ago I was thrown into a random Tuesday of my current life I would probably have a heart attack and die. So I've definitely grown, adapted, designed and learned a lot in way of living responsibly and staying present. Of course, I'm always striving to be better. 

This morning I read a blog on dailyom.com about striving for IMPERFECTION. My initial gut reaction is: blasphemous!! But it's actually a brilliant concept, and lends hand to great relief and acceptance in life. I suppose the concept is attune with my desire to make mud pies: it is fun and silly and once my hands are dirty, I'm willing to do pretty much anything. Like when I was teaching preschool and this kid Timmy puked ALL OVER himself (and then me) my instincts kicked in and as I helped him get cleaned off (even though he continued to puke) I wasn't phased by the further vomiting because I was already covered in it. What I'm trying to say is that if I just dive all the way in (like diving into the deep end at the pool) there isn't anything left to be afraid of- whereas if I stand at the edge dipping myself increasingly deeper, I'm ruled by the fear of what might be instead of accepting what is!

I'm just gonna climb down off this soap box now...


Today I had my third skills check-out. I had to demonstrate my ability to safely and effectively transfer a patient from her wheelchair onto other surfaces. I was inspired to write a blog afterwards because while preparing to go in, I was trying to find ANYthing remotely comforting or inspiring to help me feel prepared and Google failed me. The least I can do is offer my experiences with these things for anyone who hasn't done one yet. The key components I walked away with were
1) be present with the patient/ignoring the examiner
2) do NOT engage with the anxious students sitting nearby! The first point may be impossible if the latter point has been violated.


Mindfulness is a matter of practicing in the moment and one can't ever really be perfect at it, so go ahead and drop that expectation. Any novice can walk into a situation and apply a mindfulness technique and feel incredible success. The main thing is be yourself, and be real. Also, breath, deep and slow. Yes, a skills check-out is a simulated situation and you're being examined by a quiet professor in the corner with a pen in hand. Really it is a matter of improv skills and envisioning the best possible outcome. Yes, the actor/patient is likely feeling lousy and possibly uncooperative, but practice those active listening strategies and therapeutic use of self. A couple minutes into the check-out my patient and I were talking about the birds chirping and spring flowers and later ended up discussing the pleasure of homemade mac-and-cheese. I was just being real with her and honestly forgot in some moments that I was being tested (and forgot to be as attentive to my transfer posture with someone assessing my every move) but it all went so much more smooth because I was just present. The point I want to drive home is actor/no actor, examiner/no examiner, just be present and attentive to your patient and all else (with adequate practice beforehand) will come so naturally you'll walk out feeling like the confident OT you've always known yourself to be!


As for the people freaking out about how unprepared they feel or how many mistakes they made, this is a dangerous situation. Anxiety is HIGHLY contagious and Extremely unproductive. That saying about sitting in a rocking chair: it's easy to do, but you don't get anywhere. It takes a lot of courage to trust that you are going to do your best- and that's the best you can do! Every experience is a learning experience. ZERO people (especially in your academic community) should be expecting perfection from you- INCLUDING you. Every test is just that, a test, to see what you know, how well you can apply what you've learned, and what you need to work on. No one is trying to test you on the things you've known your whole life - we get tested on NEW material, that's the point! Those wrong answers are gifts to you; constructive feedback is a pearl from the ocean; examine it and treasure it and keep it in mind always so that next time, you remember.


I guess I'll have to find my way back off the soap box again. I just really want to see students inspired to do well, not perfect; inspired to believe in their ability, rather than want to control the outcomes. This is also what we as OTs ask of our patients! Let's start living it.

Heading Uphill

The new commute is working out okay. It's easier when I ride everyday because then I'm sustaining the built up muscle. I always feel weak Monday morning when I get back on after a weekend of driving. Although yesterday I borrowed my friend's fiat (another story) and today felt like riding was the hardest thing in the world. I nearly missed my bus (I really should really leave earlier.) Anyway, later I figured out I was in the 3rd and 8th gears (not 2nd and 8th.) Significant difference! I thought maybe it was my tighter pants. Or my exhaustion at the end of the week. Or the fact that I'm suffering a bit of joint pain (knees, elbows, wrists, digits- I'm clearly getting old!) 

I was thinking as I rode along the water this afternoon that learning about the conditions of OT has really made me a lot more sympathetic and a lot less judgmental. I find myself more curious and interested in the ways people cope/deal with their hang-ups in life and less convinced that I know a better way. As a teacher I always found myself wanting to share the knowledge I learned in my early childhood classes (and from my experience) but because OT is across the lifespan and I will less often dealing be with a parent but with an individual directly, so it's important to meet them where they're at and to acknowledge their ways of compensation. I mean, I guess I did that as a teacher too. I just love how it all ties together. 

So quick fiat story: last night I got to go see Kate Hudson speak which was pretty cool- she's super cute and weird, which is so relatable!! Anyway, I went from home to school to work back to school then back home. 75 miles total. Well, a fiat offers 80 so we assumed I'd be fine. There's a super steep hill I have to go up to get home and when I got off the freeway I was down to 5% battery with a 3 mile range. My friend said to go for it and we'd call triple A if needed. I'm not confident but I think this hill is about a mile long and I'm only running on electric. From the freeway to the bottom of the hill I used 2% battery and I quickly watched the battery go down from 3 - 2 - 1 % and I was only half way up. I was ready to pull over when it said 0% but I was still accelerating uphill, so I literally rolled with it! ;) Anyway, JUST before the last leg of the hill there was no more power to be had- though I was still somehow moving forward (UPhill) and managed to get JUST to the stop sign where I coasted safely through (don't tell the cops!) and coasted slightly downhill the two blocks home. It was totally nerve-wracking!! It felt like a crazy defeat though and I was happy to land safely in the driveway and walk inside. Ha. Angels probably. 

So anyway, this week and last were our first set of midterms which went well, considering how unprepared I actually felt. Two of my teachers have teaching styles I can't quite grasp onto - in one class I just listen (taking the occasional notes, participating when relevant) but mostly absorbing as much as I can subconsciously and hoping it attaches to my previously filed psychological facts and understandings. Testing is its own category of regurgitating comprehension but I manage..

Speaking of testing! I'm utilizing the student disability services to accommodate my ADD tendencies (so I can take tests in a testing center and get extensions on papers when I just CANNOT focus.) The head of the program seems to be mysteriously no longer working for the school and no one knows anything (except HR- who seem to be coming down hard with all kinds of rules and regulations that feel less accommodating and certainly not sensitive to students' needs with more severe situations than mine: like generalized anxiety for one.) I wanted to jump up and do something but my psychosocial teacher (who also majored in law) suggested I keep my focus on school work and unless an opportunity came up open to the students to fill them in, not to get distracted. Good advice and yet, I still feel compelled to yell at someone in charge and make them see how unfair they're being! I guess that's never been too effective though. 

At this point my focus is on group projects- then we have spring break (yay!) then presentations and midterms again!! Group projects are always tricky because trying to coordinate 3-4 peoples crazy busy schedule is its own chore! Looks like we're gonna skype over the weekend for this one because we couldn't seem to all make it when we tried to meet during this week. I'm sure it will be okay- just frustrating :/

Oh oh! Today at our first break during morning lecture I discovered a dog-toy-Frisbee on the school grounds and we tossed it around a bit before going back in! It was an awesome endorphin pumper and made for a way better second half of class. Then, before our next class started, the WHOLE cohort came out and played on the grass in front of the buildings. Some people just watched but most joined in, even when (some of us) weren't great it was still fun! One girl wants to start a club, which I would definitely join! I miss playing organized sports. Being active is definitely a wonderful way to make these tough days pass with a little more joy.

Snafu City

So the best laid plans always get screwed up... or something like that. I was getting all settled into an organized new semester when my car died. I wasn't nearly as upset as I could have been. The strongest feeling I have about it is that I'm sad my car is no longer part of my life. I loved that car. Who knew I could love a car? It was mostly reliable, definitely enduring, and fun to drive. I've never cared so much about a car before (this is my third.) It was just all-around convenient and comfortable (well, except on long road trips but then, I don't like sitting in ANY car for too long.) Anyway, it's gone now. And I decided I want to try to get by without one. I tried that when I first moved to CA and it was do-able, though difficult. There were the days when I got out of class at 9:30pm and it was a bike-bus-bart sort of commute, ending in a 40 min ride uphill to my house, getting me home around 11pm. It was good exercise and I got really good sleep in those days! But it was tough. So, I got a car. 

Fortunately, right now I have support within reach should I need a car for a quick trip or heavy-load-day or days when I have to dress like "a professional" for assessments or fieldwork. However, today was my first day trial commuting and I just got on a bus that arrived a half hour late - I should've known this was going to happen and just planned to be an hour early to school. It doesn't matter now. I'm late and instead of studying am writing this blog. I guess in a way it's the beginning of a new chapter, and noteworthy. The trickiest part of this commute is all my darn textbooks. They're heavy! I recently bought some saddle bags but they're not easy to carry once I reach my destination. My school really needs to have lockers. I started a petition last semester but had less of a need for them once I started driving. The need has resurfaced and it doesn't seem like an impossible request. I'll see if I can work in the time to fit that petition back into my schedule.

Awe :) The bus driver just let this 12/13 y.o. boy get a free ride today, "for showing good bus riding etiquette by letting two elderly women get on first," then he said, "gotta reward that respectful behavior young," to no one in particular. 

I just had my first skills checkout yesterday and it went relatively well. I felt mostly prepared (though I always feel I can prepare more) and comfortable with the material. I don't generally get nervous with those sorts of things and I felt calm and collected as I greeted (greeted? :/ had greet? gret? tehee) the patient and addressed her needs. I'm pretty sure I did everything correctly, except that I initially forgot to sanitize my hands and did it part-way through. The main thing that helped me prepare was visualizing the entire process in my head over and over again. It really helped that the patient-actor was so kind as a person, as well as tuned into her role. I actually think I would like to do that someday ~ be the patient-actor person. 

Tomorrow I have to give an assessment at a locked-facility (L-facility) to a real patient. I'm glad we had this test run for a different class on Monday just to get me comfortable with being an OT. (That feels good to say.) I practiced the assessment last night on my mentee who is struggling with time management skills mostly, and the desire to be healthier but unsure how. She's only 12 so it's normal for her to be confused about how to be independent as well as responsible. Her parents are really tuned in, and so is she, which makes it such an engaging situation that I find myself very committed to. I can just see her becoming such a wonderfully attentive, caring and responsible individual, bringing a lot of good to the world. I feel special to be a part of her life at this crucial period of development.

I'm going to try and get off the bus now and bike the rest of the way once we are over the bridge, so I need to wrap this up. I'm glad I took the time to write! My surrogate-upstairs-family and I celebrated Chinese new year last night (with take out) and we were talking about how every time you recall and retell a memory, it changes slightly. So for me, this documentation is about remembering the process of becoming an OT, acknowledging the struggles and successes, and being able to reflect on a way to make it easier for others. :)

[I knew if I didn't post this when I finished typing it then it would get lost in the mayhem. I wrote this on Tuesday I believe. Well, now it's Friday and I'm still adjusting to my bike commute. It's been good on my body, as well as exhausting! I did find a gorgeous Bay trail to make my bike ride to the bus a little nicer. Trying to keep my face to sunshine!]

Chapter 2

Blogging proved to be a challenge last semester with getting used to being a full time student, full time employee, full time girl-friend, and full time family member. The biggest lessons I uncovered from it all were the power of time management and setting boundaries - as well as coming back to an understanding of what my needs were and getting those met. How is it these are not the lessons we learn growing up, in school or otherwise? I love that as an OT this is precisely what I can help others with. 

So, going into a new semester, larger class load, greater homework demand, similar employment and same relationships, I am going to try again. Because after all, what do OTs preach more than "try again." 

OTs carry many of the same responsibilities of a teacher, which I felt I really thrived in prior to going back to school. Our work aims to educate our clients to understand their condition, and conceptualize what is possible for their future. Working as an OT requires a lot of patience, endurance, hope, and encouragement - aspects of any good teacher. I must also consider the emotional component of connecting with clients, wanting what's best for them, seeing them struggle through the worst, and recognizing when to send them off into the world to do it on their own. And we will be met with continual struggle and "failure" as our clients meet their own levels of resistance. I saw something the other day that said:

If you fail, don't give up because FAIL means: First Attempt In Learning;

The end is not the end, in fact END means: Effort Never Dies;

And if you get no as an answer, just remember that NO means: Next Opportunity.

Our cohort has been through a lot already and we're only 1/6 of the way through our experience together. I think we all got a reality check when we lost a very loved member of our group due to missing the required cumulative average for tests by .2% It sounds like every avenue was pursued to avoid leaving the cohort, but to no avail. The directors of this program are serious working make us as prepared as possible for passing our NBCOT exam and to be the best OTs we can by pushing and exceeding our limits constantly. It is hard to start a semester with low morale though, and I know a close-knit group like ours really relies on everyone to pull through. I am reminded of the words of my peer mentor last semester who described to me that everyone in his cohort pulled through for each other to make sure no one fell behind. I can't help but feel I didn't do enough and I am sorry to lose a good friend and colleague. I hope!!! this is only a set back though and OT is still the path they take and we can become colleagues again, but professionally someday!

As a cohort we have also grown in experience as many of us have started or completed our first psychosocial fieldwork experiences. For me this was a real eye opener! As we all got our placements, I was envious of my classmates who were going to experience lock-down psych wards, as I felt this was the most challenging and I always want to push myself as much as possible. I didn't see the challenge in working with clients who had Alzheimer's and dementia. After my experience, I have a whole new respect for caregivers and spouses who take care of someone who experiences the effects of these diseases. To see someone who is unable to feed himself, or even understand what to do with a spoon, knowing in his past life he was a brilliant neurosurgeon was absolutely heartbreaking! 

It was quite a challenge for me to understand the balance of using my techniques and skills that I used in one-on-one or group experiences as a preschool teacher (many of which were quite applicable) to individualizing them for each person I worked with at the clinic. There were so many different levels of functioning and such unique struggles of development for each person - unlike working with children all aged 3-5 yo, this work was all over the map in terms of their level of skill and understanding. We had some people recognizing their condition and feeling confused by it and others trying to go along in a life they used to have, but being set-back constantly by the setting of the clinic which didn't allow them to "go back to work," or, "pick up the kids." I really found myself exhausted at the end of each day that I explored deeper levels of patience, compassion, empathy, encouragement, excitement, enthusiasm, and cheerfulness. 

I think the hardest hurdle to get over was the idea that I had to make small talk with individuals when they first came in for the day or while they waited for the next meal. I never struggled with feeling self-conscious about that when working with children but there was almost a stage-fright and discomfort about striking up a conversation with a stranger to help them feel seen and respected in this setting. My director wisely reminded me that many of them wouldn't remember a day (or sometimes an hour later) if I DID make a fool of myself in those interactions. The most important thing I learned was to greet each new person with dignity and respect, speaking to them as I would any new person I met; then recognizing their level of comprehension and ability to converse and simplifying my speech as required to meet their needs.

It was hard not to feel like I knew how to help everyone be happier and make the center run better. I certainly have grandiose ideas for the world at large, and especially for every new system I encounter and work within. In this way it was humbling to recognize this center has been thriving for years and they've created a system that works for them. As with any center though, having our presence as volunteers added a lot more support to the staff and I think we brought a lot of joy to certain individuals with whom we were able to give extended one-on-one care. I really enjoyed sitting with clients who had a demeanor to chat (whether or not I understood what they were trying to say) and give them attention and love without feeling what I imagine many family members might experience: a loss for who they used to be.

I have loads of homework so I'm going to wrap this up. Signing off with a genuine hope to be back soon with further explorations of my deeper understanding of what it means to be an OT and how the experience continues to change my life.

Piecing it Together

First set of midterms down! 8 exams, 6 projects, and plenty more ahead of me this semester. Amazing to think it’s halfway through however. Having finished my first set of ‘midterms’ (of which there are two sets) and bought myself a succulent for each one! (yay!) I am recognizing that I need to keep myself focused and not think of this as an opportunity to relax because it most certainly isn’t! One teacher promised that the worst was over, another, that the worst was yet to come. So I am going to try to stay on my toes. I think the challenges that have maintained my higher stress levels include memorizing details that I’m not quite sure how to relate to. When I was studying early childhood education I was also working in a classroom of 20 children so nearly all my studies were directly applicable. This is a bit trickier as it’s all textbook with very little application; though I am grateful for my past experiences which create a lens through which I can view the conditions and theories we’re studying. 

It seems like the trickiest part of the conditions class is going to be identifying the specifics of each condition separate from the rest which can be quite similar. My peer mentor told me when he took the class he studied the conditions as though Batman characters were experiencing the different diagnosis. I like that plan, though I don’t know much about Batman but I can get creative with some familiar characters - maybe grey’s anatomy! Meanwhile my theories class is going to challenge me to apply and understand different perspectives from within the field. Initially this all felt pretty second nature. Today, however, I was unpleasantly disappointed with my SOAP note checkout. I can’t seem to identify the differences between the objective and assessment aspects of it! It doesn’t help that my teachers don’t quite agree on the differences between the two amongst themselves. There was one handout that I found from a different class that may have been quite useful to review beforehand but alas… it was not in a likely place prior to taking the quiz. 

I’m struggling a bit with my organization as I’m trying to physically carry around as little as possible. (I initially started a petition to get lockers on campus but once school picked up, that project moved to the back burner.) Most of my notes are stored on my computer (which I need to figure out a regular back-up plan for - icloud?) but I do have one notebook for random note taking and turning papers in that we work on in class. As far as that goes, having one notebook is working well. I discovered a cool categorizing system online once that is working for my purposes wonderfully! On the last page of the notebook I have a table of contents so to speak with each class and lab I’m taking, with a symbol drawn next to it. Then whenever I use the notebook I write the symbol for that class in the top righthand corner. All I have to do to find notes for specific classes is flip through the top corners and search for the symbol. I could be clearer with dates and titles of my notes as well I suppose.

Yesterday I met with my advisor for the upcoming semester. Man, they really keep you focused in this program, they want you to stay on track so you will succeed! Yes! Next semester has me taking five regular classes and at school four days a week (right now it’s only three) with a very hippity-hoppity schedule kind of all over the place. I think I’ll follow the idea of an upper-classmate and put a copy of my schedule in the front slip of my binder to reference regularly - along with the books required to have in class! One thing that I regret about this semester being almost over is that I haven’t really been doing as much reading as I would have liked to be doing. The reading I have done seems like I haven’t gained a lot from it. It’s a tough balance because I want to be knowledgeable in class and be able to answer questions but I also struggle to stay focused with THAT MUCH reading and I really value my sleeeeeep!!!! I would read on the bus but these books are damn heavy. I guess some of them are online… Anyway, I know there is so much to learn and I already feel I could be getting so much more out of the program if I made time for that homework. One thing that is becoming very apparent, is that while I don't want even-gimongulous-er loans, I think it might be smarter to drop a couple of the jobs I’m working… Three is a LOT. Harrumph. I wanna be supergirl.

What a tangent! Tangental thinking…psychosocial term. Can you tell I’m writing this at the end of a long day? I originally intended to veg out on a few tedtalks on the way home from school today but the bus wifi is down. I just wanted to say that one of the requirements for my program includes two special topic classes. I was thrilled to hear that I can use one of my early childhood education credits toward meeting that goal! Yay for not paying for more classes (or taking more classes for that matter) than necessary! My advisor recommended using my children with disabilities class. Maybe I can get away with two!

At this point most of my “homework time” is focused on lots and lots of research for my three group projects. This is likely the trickiest part of the program: trying to get along with other students who are also pressed for time, stressed and therefore testy, and want to make sure things are done “the best way,” which is often up for debate! Today we talked about how capstone projects inevitably instigate a dramatic conflict between the best intending of classmates. You certainly learn a lot about a person when doing a group project with them! I’ve already completed one and am happy to say we did very well on it. It wasn’t too demanding of a presentation and I had fun with the powerpoint animation features. I was satisfied with the level of squirm inflicted upon my fellow classsmates while learning about parasites in the brain!

oooh I am so tempted to get off the bus right now and ride my bike through this stand-still traffic on a main street through town. I would most certainly get there faster. As would a motorcycle. Which my advisor so cleverly called it a donor-cycle. Yikes! I think that’s what I’m gonna do. Bike, that is. 

Thanks for reading and coming along on this journey with me. I hope you found something to be useful or inspiring! Oh- speaking of which, I’m excited to say that I’ve been meditating almost daily and it feels so good!

Grr…I wrote this two weeks ago and didn’t publish it because I hadn’t edited it and it’s been on my mind ever since but now there is so much more to say. So here’s an unproof-read version (sorry) and there is (hopefully) more to come!

Recognizing Control; or lack thereof

I'm keeping a blog, which proves that I love to write. What I don't love is the stress of writing a paper, because I'm a bit of a perfectionist and I get stuck three words into a sentence when I can't choose the right adjective to clarify my point. However, I think I would much rather be writing a paper right now than grinding away with mid-term studies. So, I decided to pop over to my blog.

Yes, it's midterms already. Though we have two sets, so really it's tri-terms...or something. Two tests tomorrow; I hope my brain can handle it. In the last couple weeks I solidified my support from Student Services and will be taking my tests in a proctored room so as not to be distracted by my peers who will likely finish sooner than I, AND would be a constant distraction with their pen clicks and coughs and whatever else... I'm grateful I'll have the support; though I'm just realizing, I won't be able to ask any questions of my professor during the test. Hm... I'll just see how these two go.

For my conditions class I'm creating concept maps for each condition with different colors for each one. The general concepts like diagnosis, medical management, prevalence, symptoms, all have the same place on each paper. I'm hoping this will trigger my visual memory. I tried to create a study group with the class but it didn't really go that well, the majority of the people left 20 minutes in, which was disappointing, yet the people who stayed proved to be good study buddies. I'd forgotten that what I wanted to do with the whole class was to fill in our group-accessible study guide on google docs. This way we'd all be studying the same info and could provide help to one another though the document (YAY technology.) In the end we've all just been editing it on our own...even today - day before the test. I think it's a good system.

We are all really struggling with one class where we're just bombarded with information and it's not being explained efficiently. The test we're taking Monday was designed by a different teacher from the department who is known to be really strict and severe with details, yet, our teacher hasn't been all that clear about what to focus on. Thank goodness she gave us a study guide in the end! We've all been chipping away at that as well, I really hope we're all successful. Or if we all fail, she'll recognize her responsibility as a teacher is lacking!

At the same time, in the back of all our minds we have projects to work on and then present in the coming weeks that haven't received much attention. I really am trying to be on top of these and organized about it, but it's SO much! Juggling the needs and schedules of a group (especially when two of us live more than an hour from campus) proves most difficult. Meanwhile, the work-study job I took on includes grading papers every week - it's the opposite of study-while-you-work-job. The heat has really been turned up on this semester and I'm starting to sweat. I'm still pretty focused though and doing my best to maintain balance. This weekend I've been trying a new technique to use a count-down timer as I work. It seems to be helping me stay on track and work efficiently! Yay for new techniques. I'm also aware that it all comes back to focus -- and being present.

Last night I was really unfocused, after a very busy day of taking care of someone else's kids (for the third day in a row; different story) and I couldn't circle my attention into my work. Someone recommended that I meditate and I half-jokingly griped that meditation is always the answer. I plopped down with a candle and brought my attention to my breath. On my little alter I keep a bracelet that says, "We've Got Your Back Jack," which was part of a fundraiser for my little buddy Jack who was struggling with cancer. Seeing the bracelet made me recognize the grief I was feeling, as I'd been thinking about him and his mama throughout the day (perhaps because I was playing mama to these three girls and kept threatening that I would never have kids after this experience, even though it's one of my major life goals to raise my own family - so perhaps I was feeling an emotional wave of recognition that the roles and responsibilities we take on in life can come with great turmoil as well as immense reward.) Anyway, that major tangent was all to recognize that I was distracted by something deeper and after I put my attention on that struggle, and put on the bracelet, I was able to focus. The Student Service guy had actually recommended that I wear some article of clothing (hat, scarf, bracelet) when I study and then when I take the test, to establish a physical connection with the material for easier recollection. The brain is so damn fascinating.

The other part of this story is the responsibilities I agreed to take on this weekend as part of my work-trade living situation. The family's parents went out of town Thursday morning and return this evening (so I was in charge for the last four days.) It proved to be amazingly challenging. It rubbed against my desire for deep connection and understanding with others - which is not readily attainable with teenagers, and rubbed against my issues for wanting control in having things run smoothly, and I did not transition well with some of the shifts. A very dear friend of mine helped me see that part of my desire for control was to make sure the girls' needs were met, and because I care so much. She also helped me see that the little blow-up from one of them was actually a sign of intimacy in her desire to communicate with me. She later apologized and recognized her part but it sure didn't feel good at the time, and was so distracting to my trying to do work! Basically this weekend was an intense workshop on self-care, balance, and letting go. After the first couple mishaps and some guidance from friends, I believe I came out stronger. Next time, I'll try to employ the techniques that worked out in the end, which were to give more credit and responsibility to the teens and allow natural consequences to be the main consideration. My friend pointed out I was in a kind of step-parent role without a foundation for any sort of leverage with my requests which made it really hard. All is well now and I'm actually more confident that I do have what it takes to be a good mom someday. The main thing I'm working on in terms of working with others is being able to stay light, to focus on the good, and to bring things back around to the present.

Okay... I think I need to get back to studying now. I feel better having written this out as I've wanted to write all week. Overall, school is still wonderful and I'm still thrilled to be doing what I've worked so hard to access.

ENORMOUS THANK YOU to my very dear friends who recognized my desperation when my computer failed me and pulled through to get me all set up with a new computer. I'm amazed at how incredibly valuable it is to have the tools I need in order to be successful. I could never have done this without your support. Thank you Thank you Thank you!!!

Pull Of The Tide

Next week I'll be a month into school, yet I still feel like I'm getting settled. Actually, I feel like there have been a few disruptions and set-backs that have made it difficult to actually establish a real routine. I spent much of my second and third weeks dealing with work study applications, follow-up's, and decision making. In the end I just got one job grading papers, which is less than ideal, but the income will be essential. Meanwhile, my computer crashed (and I believe I lost all my data, not to mention all my saturday in dealing with the apple store and eventually finding another place to take it- I still haven't heard back from them...) which turned out to be outrageously disrupting as I seem to have attached to it like a third arm and with it missing I became all out of sorts! I felt especially foolish in class first thing wednesday morning when I was borrowing someone else's laptop to take notes (I just cannot read my own handwriting) and I turned to get some water and tipped my (apparently open) entire two liter water bottle to the floor. Thank goodness I didn't spill it on her computer!!! But I felt like a complete moron and couldn't focus in class, nor could I come up with any reasonable answers during the entire class period about Autism (which I know SO much about!) and second guessed every answer I did think of. I was kind of a wreck. I went for a walk between classes with a friend but then got the news that my grandmother was in the hospital. Wednesday is just a day I am glad is over. (Mimi is okay!)

I guess this is just a good lesson in recognizing that even the best laid out plans get all screwed up! It was good for me to be able to recognize what was out of my control and what I could focus on to shift the way the day continued to change. Today (gosh was that just yesterday?? it's been a long couple days...) -today I did a lot of supporting and giving of myself. This is often a role I take on, I imagine many OT's can relate. I want to support others and help to make things easier, I want to help others to be successful. I found myself butting heads with my mentee as she struggled with some homework. I don't really think it was the homework itself that was frustrating, but other issues that she couldn't articulate which revealed themselves through feelings of incompetence for her. In the end we got through the homework and I was able to stay relatively calm but after talking with her mom, next time she begins to get frustrated (this is a behavioral pattern of hers) I am going to remove myself with the excuse that I need to do something and see if she can defuse herself a bit. Not sure it'll work but it seems worth a try.

Anyway, by the end of tonight I was drained and in need of much support. Unfortunately, I found it to be late and the support I desired was not available in friends so I reached out to www.7cupsoftea.com 
I don't know if I've already mentioned this website, but I find it to be incredibly helpful for just talking things out, having a safe place to recognize and acknowledge my feelings, and problem solve with a rational-thinking person (who isn't overloaded with emotion!) In the end calming music, looking at pictures of sunsets, a glass of water, and talking to a kind and gentle listener helped me feel through what I was experiencing and I came out on the other end with clarity and relief. [My Pysch-Social teacher and I agreed that it was also a good place to practice active listening (an essential skill of an OT!) if one signs up to be "a listener" on the site.]

I'm sure there is part of me that is struggling with the anticipation of what the upcoming weeks hold. I am waiting to hear back from one more work-study position (the one I really wanted was in the OT department but they alluded to the fact that they might hire outside the department, which, obviously would rule me out), I need to get the notes I lost on my computer from someone in my cohort (and pay to copy them), I need to get started on the many papers and projects that are already on the not-so-distant horizon for me, and I need to define some really solid and predictable study time (rather than just try to fit it in where it's convenient as I've done in the past.) So, yeah, there's a lot on my mind and a lot to be stressed about. I'm also waiting to hear back from the student disabilities services to see what kind of support I can get from the school for my ADD tendencies which make studying and test-taking that much harder... What I really need is a little angel on my shoulder monitoring my every step. 

After talking with my peer mentor from last year, and meeting my peer mentor for this year, I feel a little bit clearer on what to expect for the upcoming school year. While the program itself is going to be demanding, this first year is going to build me up to meet the challenges. It sounds like the classes I'm taking this semester are going to be very manageable, and the teachers encouraging and supportive. I do need to get studying on my basic anatomy though, as I missed several questions on my what-do-you-remember-from-anatomy-class quiz. Fortunately it's interesting to me so at least I can look forward to that. I think my two favorite classes this term are going to be Neurology/Physiology and Psychosocial aspects of Occupational Therapy. I feel that I'm going to be able to keep a level head, with my eye on the bigger picture this semester, rather than get locked into the (unimportant) details that hang me up. I'll say that's my intention anyway. The upcoming weekend doesn't seem promising for homework opportunities, so I think I'll make myself up a schedule now! Perhaps a blog on study tips would be useful...