Living the OT Values

One might deduct that I must not really want to keep a blog if I don't prioritize it better. The truth is, it feels like a leisurely indulgence which seems unaffordable most days. I'm really trying to maintain more balance in my life (as an OT this will be the mantra I preach so I would really like to walk the talk now!) but life is simply just complex. [I wouldn't be able to say life is complexly simple.] Among relationships and commitments, due dates and exams, feeding myself and getting enough sleep, balance IS my daily practice. I suppose if I were to look at it from an outsider's perspective, I'm relatively good at it. If four years ago I was thrown into a random Tuesday of my current life I would probably have a heart attack and die. So I've definitely grown, adapted, designed and learned a lot in way of living responsibly and staying present. Of course, I'm always striving to be better. 

This morning I read a blog on dailyom.com about striving for IMPERFECTION. My initial gut reaction is: blasphemous!! But it's actually a brilliant concept, and lends hand to great relief and acceptance in life. I suppose the concept is attune with my desire to make mud pies: it is fun and silly and once my hands are dirty, I'm willing to do pretty much anything. Like when I was teaching preschool and this kid Timmy puked ALL OVER himself (and then me) my instincts kicked in and as I helped him get cleaned off (even though he continued to puke) I wasn't phased by the further vomiting because I was already covered in it. What I'm trying to say is that if I just dive all the way in (like diving into the deep end at the pool) there isn't anything left to be afraid of- whereas if I stand at the edge dipping myself increasingly deeper, I'm ruled by the fear of what might be instead of accepting what is!

I'm just gonna climb down off this soap box now...


Today I had my third skills check-out. I had to demonstrate my ability to safely and effectively transfer a patient from her wheelchair onto other surfaces. I was inspired to write a blog afterwards because while preparing to go in, I was trying to find ANYthing remotely comforting or inspiring to help me feel prepared and Google failed me. The least I can do is offer my experiences with these things for anyone who hasn't done one yet. The key components I walked away with were
1) be present with the patient/ignoring the examiner
2) do NOT engage with the anxious students sitting nearby! The first point may be impossible if the latter point has been violated.


Mindfulness is a matter of practicing in the moment and one can't ever really be perfect at it, so go ahead and drop that expectation. Any novice can walk into a situation and apply a mindfulness technique and feel incredible success. The main thing is be yourself, and be real. Also, breath, deep and slow. Yes, a skills check-out is a simulated situation and you're being examined by a quiet professor in the corner with a pen in hand. Really it is a matter of improv skills and envisioning the best possible outcome. Yes, the actor/patient is likely feeling lousy and possibly uncooperative, but practice those active listening strategies and therapeutic use of self. A couple minutes into the check-out my patient and I were talking about the birds chirping and spring flowers and later ended up discussing the pleasure of homemade mac-and-cheese. I was just being real with her and honestly forgot in some moments that I was being tested (and forgot to be as attentive to my transfer posture with someone assessing my every move) but it all went so much more smooth because I was just present. The point I want to drive home is actor/no actor, examiner/no examiner, just be present and attentive to your patient and all else (with adequate practice beforehand) will come so naturally you'll walk out feeling like the confident OT you've always known yourself to be!


As for the people freaking out about how unprepared they feel or how many mistakes they made, this is a dangerous situation. Anxiety is HIGHLY contagious and Extremely unproductive. That saying about sitting in a rocking chair: it's easy to do, but you don't get anywhere. It takes a lot of courage to trust that you are going to do your best- and that's the best you can do! Every experience is a learning experience. ZERO people (especially in your academic community) should be expecting perfection from you- INCLUDING you. Every test is just that, a test, to see what you know, how well you can apply what you've learned, and what you need to work on. No one is trying to test you on the things you've known your whole life - we get tested on NEW material, that's the point! Those wrong answers are gifts to you; constructive feedback is a pearl from the ocean; examine it and treasure it and keep it in mind always so that next time, you remember.


I guess I'll have to find my way back off the soap box again. I just really want to see students inspired to do well, not perfect; inspired to believe in their ability, rather than want to control the outcomes. This is also what we as OTs ask of our patients! Let's start living it.

Heading Uphill

The new commute is working out okay. It's easier when I ride everyday because then I'm sustaining the built up muscle. I always feel weak Monday morning when I get back on after a weekend of driving. Although yesterday I borrowed my friend's fiat (another story) and today felt like riding was the hardest thing in the world. I nearly missed my bus (I really should really leave earlier.) Anyway, later I figured out I was in the 3rd and 8th gears (not 2nd and 8th.) Significant difference! I thought maybe it was my tighter pants. Or my exhaustion at the end of the week. Or the fact that I'm suffering a bit of joint pain (knees, elbows, wrists, digits- I'm clearly getting old!) 

I was thinking as I rode along the water this afternoon that learning about the conditions of OT has really made me a lot more sympathetic and a lot less judgmental. I find myself more curious and interested in the ways people cope/deal with their hang-ups in life and less convinced that I know a better way. As a teacher I always found myself wanting to share the knowledge I learned in my early childhood classes (and from my experience) but because OT is across the lifespan and I will less often dealing be with a parent but with an individual directly, so it's important to meet them where they're at and to acknowledge their ways of compensation. I mean, I guess I did that as a teacher too. I just love how it all ties together. 

So quick fiat story: last night I got to go see Kate Hudson speak which was pretty cool- she's super cute and weird, which is so relatable!! Anyway, I went from home to school to work back to school then back home. 75 miles total. Well, a fiat offers 80 so we assumed I'd be fine. There's a super steep hill I have to go up to get home and when I got off the freeway I was down to 5% battery with a 3 mile range. My friend said to go for it and we'd call triple A if needed. I'm not confident but I think this hill is about a mile long and I'm only running on electric. From the freeway to the bottom of the hill I used 2% battery and I quickly watched the battery go down from 3 - 2 - 1 % and I was only half way up. I was ready to pull over when it said 0% but I was still accelerating uphill, so I literally rolled with it! ;) Anyway, JUST before the last leg of the hill there was no more power to be had- though I was still somehow moving forward (UPhill) and managed to get JUST to the stop sign where I coasted safely through (don't tell the cops!) and coasted slightly downhill the two blocks home. It was totally nerve-wracking!! It felt like a crazy defeat though and I was happy to land safely in the driveway and walk inside. Ha. Angels probably. 

So anyway, this week and last were our first set of midterms which went well, considering how unprepared I actually felt. Two of my teachers have teaching styles I can't quite grasp onto - in one class I just listen (taking the occasional notes, participating when relevant) but mostly absorbing as much as I can subconsciously and hoping it attaches to my previously filed psychological facts and understandings. Testing is its own category of regurgitating comprehension but I manage..

Speaking of testing! I'm utilizing the student disability services to accommodate my ADD tendencies (so I can take tests in a testing center and get extensions on papers when I just CANNOT focus.) The head of the program seems to be mysteriously no longer working for the school and no one knows anything (except HR- who seem to be coming down hard with all kinds of rules and regulations that feel less accommodating and certainly not sensitive to students' needs with more severe situations than mine: like generalized anxiety for one.) I wanted to jump up and do something but my psychosocial teacher (who also majored in law) suggested I keep my focus on school work and unless an opportunity came up open to the students to fill them in, not to get distracted. Good advice and yet, I still feel compelled to yell at someone in charge and make them see how unfair they're being! I guess that's never been too effective though. 

At this point my focus is on group projects- then we have spring break (yay!) then presentations and midterms again!! Group projects are always tricky because trying to coordinate 3-4 peoples crazy busy schedule is its own chore! Looks like we're gonna skype over the weekend for this one because we couldn't seem to all make it when we tried to meet during this week. I'm sure it will be okay- just frustrating :/

Oh oh! Today at our first break during morning lecture I discovered a dog-toy-Frisbee on the school grounds and we tossed it around a bit before going back in! It was an awesome endorphin pumper and made for a way better second half of class. Then, before our next class started, the WHOLE cohort came out and played on the grass in front of the buildings. Some people just watched but most joined in, even when (some of us) weren't great it was still fun! One girl wants to start a club, which I would definitely join! I miss playing organized sports. Being active is definitely a wonderful way to make these tough days pass with a little more joy.

Snafu City

So the best laid plans always get screwed up... or something like that. I was getting all settled into an organized new semester when my car died. I wasn't nearly as upset as I could have been. The strongest feeling I have about it is that I'm sad my car is no longer part of my life. I loved that car. Who knew I could love a car? It was mostly reliable, definitely enduring, and fun to drive. I've never cared so much about a car before (this is my third.) It was just all-around convenient and comfortable (well, except on long road trips but then, I don't like sitting in ANY car for too long.) Anyway, it's gone now. And I decided I want to try to get by without one. I tried that when I first moved to CA and it was do-able, though difficult. There were the days when I got out of class at 9:30pm and it was a bike-bus-bart sort of commute, ending in a 40 min ride uphill to my house, getting me home around 11pm. It was good exercise and I got really good sleep in those days! But it was tough. So, I got a car. 

Fortunately, right now I have support within reach should I need a car for a quick trip or heavy-load-day or days when I have to dress like "a professional" for assessments or fieldwork. However, today was my first day trial commuting and I just got on a bus that arrived a half hour late - I should've known this was going to happen and just planned to be an hour early to school. It doesn't matter now. I'm late and instead of studying am writing this blog. I guess in a way it's the beginning of a new chapter, and noteworthy. The trickiest part of this commute is all my darn textbooks. They're heavy! I recently bought some saddle bags but they're not easy to carry once I reach my destination. My school really needs to have lockers. I started a petition last semester but had less of a need for them once I started driving. The need has resurfaced and it doesn't seem like an impossible request. I'll see if I can work in the time to fit that petition back into my schedule.

Awe :) The bus driver just let this 12/13 y.o. boy get a free ride today, "for showing good bus riding etiquette by letting two elderly women get on first," then he said, "gotta reward that respectful behavior young," to no one in particular. 

I just had my first skills checkout yesterday and it went relatively well. I felt mostly prepared (though I always feel I can prepare more) and comfortable with the material. I don't generally get nervous with those sorts of things and I felt calm and collected as I greeted (greeted? :/ had greet? gret? tehee) the patient and addressed her needs. I'm pretty sure I did everything correctly, except that I initially forgot to sanitize my hands and did it part-way through. The main thing that helped me prepare was visualizing the entire process in my head over and over again. It really helped that the patient-actor was so kind as a person, as well as tuned into her role. I actually think I would like to do that someday ~ be the patient-actor person. 

Tomorrow I have to give an assessment at a locked-facility (L-facility) to a real patient. I'm glad we had this test run for a different class on Monday just to get me comfortable with being an OT. (That feels good to say.) I practiced the assessment last night on my mentee who is struggling with time management skills mostly, and the desire to be healthier but unsure how. She's only 12 so it's normal for her to be confused about how to be independent as well as responsible. Her parents are really tuned in, and so is she, which makes it such an engaging situation that I find myself very committed to. I can just see her becoming such a wonderfully attentive, caring and responsible individual, bringing a lot of good to the world. I feel special to be a part of her life at this crucial period of development.

I'm going to try and get off the bus now and bike the rest of the way once we are over the bridge, so I need to wrap this up. I'm glad I took the time to write! My surrogate-upstairs-family and I celebrated Chinese new year last night (with take out) and we were talking about how every time you recall and retell a memory, it changes slightly. So for me, this documentation is about remembering the process of becoming an OT, acknowledging the struggles and successes, and being able to reflect on a way to make it easier for others. :)

[I knew if I didn't post this when I finished typing it then it would get lost in the mayhem. I wrote this on Tuesday I believe. Well, now it's Friday and I'm still adjusting to my bike commute. It's been good on my body, as well as exhausting! I did find a gorgeous Bay trail to make my bike ride to the bus a little nicer. Trying to keep my face to sunshine!]

Chapter 2

Blogging proved to be a challenge last semester with getting used to being a full time student, full time employee, full time girl-friend, and full time family member. The biggest lessons I uncovered from it all were the power of time management and setting boundaries - as well as coming back to an understanding of what my needs were and getting those met. How is it these are not the lessons we learn growing up, in school or otherwise? I love that as an OT this is precisely what I can help others with. 

So, going into a new semester, larger class load, greater homework demand, similar employment and same relationships, I am going to try again. Because after all, what do OTs preach more than "try again." 

OTs carry many of the same responsibilities of a teacher, which I felt I really thrived in prior to going back to school. Our work aims to educate our clients to understand their condition, and conceptualize what is possible for their future. Working as an OT requires a lot of patience, endurance, hope, and encouragement - aspects of any good teacher. I must also consider the emotional component of connecting with clients, wanting what's best for them, seeing them struggle through the worst, and recognizing when to send them off into the world to do it on their own. And we will be met with continual struggle and "failure" as our clients meet their own levels of resistance. I saw something the other day that said:

If you fail, don't give up because FAIL means: First Attempt In Learning;

The end is not the end, in fact END means: Effort Never Dies;

And if you get no as an answer, just remember that NO means: Next Opportunity.

Our cohort has been through a lot already and we're only 1/6 of the way through our experience together. I think we all got a reality check when we lost a very loved member of our group due to missing the required cumulative average for tests by .2% It sounds like every avenue was pursued to avoid leaving the cohort, but to no avail. The directors of this program are serious working make us as prepared as possible for passing our NBCOT exam and to be the best OTs we can by pushing and exceeding our limits constantly. It is hard to start a semester with low morale though, and I know a close-knit group like ours really relies on everyone to pull through. I am reminded of the words of my peer mentor last semester who described to me that everyone in his cohort pulled through for each other to make sure no one fell behind. I can't help but feel I didn't do enough and I am sorry to lose a good friend and colleague. I hope!!! this is only a set back though and OT is still the path they take and we can become colleagues again, but professionally someday!

As a cohort we have also grown in experience as many of us have started or completed our first psychosocial fieldwork experiences. For me this was a real eye opener! As we all got our placements, I was envious of my classmates who were going to experience lock-down psych wards, as I felt this was the most challenging and I always want to push myself as much as possible. I didn't see the challenge in working with clients who had Alzheimer's and dementia. After my experience, I have a whole new respect for caregivers and spouses who take care of someone who experiences the effects of these diseases. To see someone who is unable to feed himself, or even understand what to do with a spoon, knowing in his past life he was a brilliant neurosurgeon was absolutely heartbreaking! 

It was quite a challenge for me to understand the balance of using my techniques and skills that I used in one-on-one or group experiences as a preschool teacher (many of which were quite applicable) to individualizing them for each person I worked with at the clinic. There were so many different levels of functioning and such unique struggles of development for each person - unlike working with children all aged 3-5 yo, this work was all over the map in terms of their level of skill and understanding. We had some people recognizing their condition and feeling confused by it and others trying to go along in a life they used to have, but being set-back constantly by the setting of the clinic which didn't allow them to "go back to work," or, "pick up the kids." I really found myself exhausted at the end of each day that I explored deeper levels of patience, compassion, empathy, encouragement, excitement, enthusiasm, and cheerfulness. 

I think the hardest hurdle to get over was the idea that I had to make small talk with individuals when they first came in for the day or while they waited for the next meal. I never struggled with feeling self-conscious about that when working with children but there was almost a stage-fright and discomfort about striking up a conversation with a stranger to help them feel seen and respected in this setting. My director wisely reminded me that many of them wouldn't remember a day (or sometimes an hour later) if I DID make a fool of myself in those interactions. The most important thing I learned was to greet each new person with dignity and respect, speaking to them as I would any new person I met; then recognizing their level of comprehension and ability to converse and simplifying my speech as required to meet their needs.

It was hard not to feel like I knew how to help everyone be happier and make the center run better. I certainly have grandiose ideas for the world at large, and especially for every new system I encounter and work within. In this way it was humbling to recognize this center has been thriving for years and they've created a system that works for them. As with any center though, having our presence as volunteers added a lot more support to the staff and I think we brought a lot of joy to certain individuals with whom we were able to give extended one-on-one care. I really enjoyed sitting with clients who had a demeanor to chat (whether or not I understood what they were trying to say) and give them attention and love without feeling what I imagine many family members might experience: a loss for who they used to be.

I have loads of homework so I'm going to wrap this up. Signing off with a genuine hope to be back soon with further explorations of my deeper understanding of what it means to be an OT and how the experience continues to change my life.